


Severance Snape & The Half-Done Wizard's Sleeve By JKS Rofling

by AlbertVonSloan



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Centaurs, Gen, Humor, M/M, Mirror Sex, Mirror of Erised, Other, Parody, Satire, Sports, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27147802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlbertVonSloan/pseuds/AlbertVonSloan
Summary: Editor’s Note;Upon reading JKS Rofling’s most recent tweet - a 280-character smear campaign aimed at outing rapper Pitbull as an elaborate drag act – apologists were quick to assume she was hacked, and were ready to forgive.However, the University of Houghton Regis’s Cancel Cultural Studies Department have unearthed hitherto unpublished chapters which shed new light on the issue. Thought to be excerpts from the first novel in her cycle, they may explain – if not excuse – her cyber 'upskirting' of ‘Mr. WorldWide’.Below, published for the first time, are the chapters in question. We will leave the question of their veracity to the reader.Amare Et Legit Iillud,The Editor.
Relationships: Albus Dumbledore/Severus Snape, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry & Severus Snape, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape
Kudos: 6





	1. Caught Thrashing the House Elf

“Many a man has wasted away doing that with the Mirror of Erised, Severus”.

Snape tensed up suddenly. His butt cheeks began to clench involuntarily in blind panic with enough tensile strength to snap a swan’s neck. Someone was watching.

“Of course, when I look, I only see a pair of white woolen socks” 

Oh. So it was Dumbledore. There was no point trying to hide it then, this old creep had probably been watching him from under an invisibility cloak for the past ten minutes – everyone knew that was how he and McGonagall got their kicks.

“I’m sorry sir,” Snape stammered, “It’s just, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and I don’t like to use photos: they’re hard enough to steal out of Potter’s wallet, and when I do get them she doesn’t stay still – screaming, insults, walking out of shot – and James or Baby Potter are usually in frame with her and well -”

“Severus, Severus, say no more” said Dumbledore. “I know the pain of the human heart better than most. We all have moments of weakness in agony”.

Re-robed, Severus turned to face his principle. In a way, he was glad he had been caught. She’d been dead for years. Perhaps it was a good thing to be fired for gross misconduct. 

Hogwarts hated Snape – Dumbledore especially had never forgiven him for those articles he wrote for the Daily Prophet and QuillAnon about the Hippogriff hunting ban - and Snape hated Hogwarts. The whole place reminded him of her, and he felt he could never change here, never bloom out of the pall of misery he felt trapped in.

“Yes Severus, I understand your heart-ache. But not everyone would, would they?” Probed Dumbledore. “I mean the school board for instance. What would they make of this type of behavior? All these kids running around, and you, up here, bold as brass, ‘Thrashing the House Elf’? Would look pretty bad, wouldn’t it? Especially with you up for review soon”.

Ah so Dumbledore wanted something, thought Snape. Hence the mild-blackmail. Self-preservation kicking-in, Snape realized the jobs market for out of work white wizards in their 40’s was no place to be; in fact he’d said in the article that if anything that demographic was the endangered species. He decided that he better do anything he can to keep his job.

“That’s the spirit!” Dumbledore exclaimed, “There’s a problem in the Muggle Studies Department. Something about the Netball Team. Go down there and sort it out for me – then we’ll forget all of this”.

Muggle Studies? What on earth could he want Snape – the Potions Master – to go down there for? Whatever thought Snape. He didn’t really have a choice.

“Well then Severus, if you wouldn’t mind going. I need the Mirror to do some muggle studying of my own” said Dumbledore, pulling a VHS of Magic Mike from behind his back – Snape assumed for some new field of research into the famous muggle street magician Magic Michael Chopra.

“Oh, and Severus – wash your hands before you go down there, won’t you?”


	2. The Little Giant Who Could

Chalked on the sandwich board outside the Muggle Studies gymnasium were the words ‘Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw – Netball: See how muggle-girls play Quidditch!’ 

A queue of male faculty members snaked around the block, with Nearly headless Nick at the front.

“Severus!” Nick shouted “Couldn’t resist, ay? I’m so excited I might rip the head off fully this time – if you know what I mean”. Snape did not. He ignored the japing poltergeist, and walked into the gym. 

A ‘gym’ he thought, despondently. School going to rack and ruin, and here they were wasting money on ‘Muggle Studies’. ‘It’s an indigenous cultural heritage to make the Mud-Bloods feel at home’, so said Minerva McGonagall – but any thinking man on the faculty knew that it was a hoop-jumping exercise to allow Hogwarts to register as a charity, placing a sizeable wedge in tax-breaks down Dumbledore’s robe.

Ho-hum. None of this mattered. Snape had been caught red-handed, ‘Depositing Liquid Sliver into Gringotts’ or ‘Playing bossa nova on the Bubotuber’, so he had no choice but to help.

The exact nature of his task became clear the moment he entered. Just as he was walking past the empty bleachers, 8 girls from the Gryffindor Netball team came running and screaming out of the changing-rooms.

“What’s the fuss?” Snape demanded from them, coolly.

“It’s. It’s a monster sir. It – well, I think it’s an ‘it’, it flipped out when I called it a ‘he’ – it’s in there now sir, calling us ‘victim haters’. None of us really feel comfortable changing in there with it and-”

“Silence. I thought you’d be involved somehow, Granger” prissy little goody-goody that she was. “Stand aside, and allow me to investigate.”

The potions master stormed into the abandoned changing room. Silence. There was no sign of anyone. A prank – he thought. Just as he was going to turn, leave, and subtract 5000 points from Gryffindor, he noticed something odd. The shower was running.

Peering his head around the corner, wand at the ready in case it be a handsy Whomping Willow in season trying to peep on the girls, Snape stole a glance.

It was Moaning Myrtle. She was sat on the floor beneath the steaming, cascading water, fully clothed and crying while trying to cut her own hair. The scissors just when straight through her spooky fringe.

“What irks you, vile spirit?” said Snape, totally dead-pan.

“It’s, It’s, It’s back again!” said Myrtle, in a huff, “It’s just terrible. This is supposed to be a safe space for haunting. But it always comes in. Applying lipstick. Using the toilet. It even helps itself to complimentary sanitary bags – which is ridiculous. And if you ask it to leave it says you’re being insensitive. It – it – it’s haunting me!” she blurted, before nodding toward a cubicle.

“It?” said Snape, as he went to investigate the offending cubicle, heart in mouth. Whatever was behind that door must be quite something if even Myrtle was crying. Snape steadied himself. With all his courage, he prodded the door ajar. He almost fainted.

A great big hairy beast was perched upon the tiny toilet attempting to perform a ‘CISappearing’ trick, while twisting its stained duffel-coat into a crop-top. It looked right up at Snape, and then yelled in a blood curdling war-cry: 

“Am I pretty, Severus?”

“Good god Hagrid, no! You look like Andre the Giant has joined a Kabuki troupe - you’re grotes-” but Snape stopped himself before he went too far. He remembered that he was acting on Dumbledore’s behalf, and so should take care of things to Dumbledore’s liking. He used everything he had learned from the ‘sensitivity’ training they’d made him attend after giving Longbottom PTSD, and opened up a dialogue with the confused giant.

“Oh. It’s the girls it is, sir” it said. “Won’t let me join in with ‘em. Been my dream to play Netball ever since I was a kid it has, but I’m cursed you see Sever-” 

“But buddy, you botched the CISappearing trick; you’re 800 pounds and have a prizewinning Mandrake and two Shrivelfigs down there. You look like an anti-ivory trade campaign poster and-”

The beast began to cry so loudly it drowned out Myrtle altogether. Snape realized if he was going to save this, save his job, he needed to be more like Albus Dumbledore.

What followed was inspired. He gathered all the girls and gave them a rousing team talk. It was about acceptance, belief, and team-spirit. About spectrums, about the importance not to ‘other’ people, even if they were freakish mud-bloods like Granger. As a final act, he handed the captain’s armband to the newest member of the team.

“Do us proud, Hagress” said Snape. Hagress responded with an almighty bear hug. Though his body was crushed, Snape felt freedom for the first time. Freedom from himself and the past. Maybe change was possible.

If that was good, seeing the team in action was even better. Hagress won the tip off, smashing into the young Ravenclaw Wing Attack. The new signing began shouting “This is my house, MY HOUSE, you CIS whores” before going onto dominate the opening phases of play. Within minutes, Gryffindor were in a commanding 18 point lead, and 3 Ravenclaw girls had been put in the infirmary. 

Watching Hagress use her lithe, 8.7 ft frame to harry, shield, mark and intimidate the ref with such undeniable grace was the purest form of ballet. It was like Jazz. Like poetry. Snape’s heart soared and sang. This. This was life. This was love. This was beauty. He finally got it. All Dumbledore’s junk over the years. It made sense. Shine on Hagress you crazy diamond Snape muttered, on the verge of tears. Shine on.

“For christ sakes!” Shouted the Ravenclaw coach Shemulleta Dykedown, “Someone mark him! Mark him! We’re letting an E-fit of the elephant man run things!”

“It’s mark them Shemulletta, THEM” said Snape, smugly, “You butch insensitive hatemonger”.

And off Snape went, knowing that if anyone of the disappointed teachers or ‘guardians’ looking on from the bleachers were from the schoolboard, (and they were disappointed, Nearly Headless Nick had started a chant about what he would or wouldn’t fap to) well, then they would know Severus was a progressive, forward thinking teacher.


	3. The Baddest Bear on Diagon Alley

“Lecnipmisdas” the mirror was shouting, not that snape had time to care or translate what Lily was saying. He was hard at it. He’d needed a thrill after the natural low offered by the everyday world following the high of watching Hagress.

It was his usual fantasy; She had gone around her sister’s house for some tea in a Privet Drive conservatory, but it was too warm in there for blouses, and Petunia was helping Lily out of her floral shirt – ho ho. 

But for some reason it wasn’t right. Something was off – and an obese little fat lad they were calling Dudley was running around with a beard and wearing a Netball outfit. Odd. Focus Severin. Focus. You deserve this. Just as he was trying to imagine Lily getting onto a ‘Fake Night Bus’ a voice boomed out:

“At it again, Severus?” 

For crying out loud. It was Dumbledore. The principle threw off his invisibility cloak and stepped out from behind the mirror.

He wasn’t alone. Albus was accompanied by a cast of mean looking centaurs, goblins and ghouls. It was entrapment. 

“I here present to you, honored schoolboard, our Potions Master, Severus Snape, ‘Charming the Basilisk’, ‘Kindling his Fawkes’, or ‘Flicking his Bertie Bott’, to a student’s dead mother”. 

Snape began to squirm. This was so embarrassing. As the schoolboard sighed, mumbled, and took notes, he went to defend himself; 

“What I use the Mirror of Erised to browse for out of classroom hours is my business. And in any case, I have been under stress after doing your bidding Albus. You know, the Muggle Studies Department, it’s all been taken care of. So we can forget about all of this”.

“Taken care of? Taken care of?” answered Dumbledore, bemused, “The last I heard the Gryffindor Goal Attack, ‘Hagress’, has just posted the testosterone levels of a randy Bull Shark in her post game urine test. Netflix have already greenlit a miniseries called ‘Little Giant Who Could’. Nearly Headless Nick keeps ringing up crying to inform us he still hasn’t got a pulse, whatever that means. And most importantly three Ravenclaw parents whose children were hospitalized have made official complaints – we’re gonna get sued Severus! Care to explain?” 

“I’m sorry”, said Snape “I thought that’s what you wanted? I mean, inclusivity, hippy stuff, that’s what you’re all about, no? And I get it now. Really, I do. I saw the issue, and stood guard in the changing room to make sure-”

“It’s not natural!” boomed a Schoolboard Centaur.

“You were in the girl’s changing room?” added a Ghoul.

“Shapirous the Centaur is right, it’s weird” Dumbledore confirmed “Moaning Myrtle is draining the School Councilor’s time with night terrors, the Sorting Hat doesn’t know what to make of it - it’s even freaking the Dementors out – they’re scared to do their job, not sure who they can and can’t hit”.

Hmmm. Why would Dumbledore have such a problem with a member of staff transitioning? He was usually so irritatingly right-on. It just didn’t make sense - the only people with a sworn blood-feud with the giant trans community were the gays, and Dumbledore was not gay.

Was he? Snape tried to focus on this question as he stared at Dumbledore flouncing around the dungeon in his tight denim hot pants, white wife beater, handle bar moustache and little leather hat. No. He couldn’t be. People don’t just suddenly become gay. Do they?

And even if he was a reverse wand-rider, how could Snape use it to his advantage? His survival instinct was kicking in again. He couldn’t afford to lose this job, and it was clear that Dumbledore had set this up as a guerilla exit interview.

Perhaps, Severus thought to himself, if he could just get the idea out there, or even a rumor, that the principle was gay through the new ‘Wand’s App’ function Malfoy had conjured, maybe then some more conservative parents would see it and –

But no. Draco had said it was still in the ‘development phase’, and he was due in court with Crabbe and Goyle soon, who claimed it was their idea. 

But it could still be worth ago. If only there was some sign, something to cling to. There were just too many unanswered questions. Could it be that Dumbledore wasn’t all he said he was? That he was suddenly gay? Perhaps that Magic Mike VHS wasn’t about Magic Michael Chopra - but why would a man need socks when watching a Magic Mike tape?

“Get a load of this normie-hetero” shouted Dumbledore, “basic biyatch. What, you think I wouldn’t spill the tea to the schoolboard? When I’m the baddest bear and hottest goss on Diagon Alley? LOL. Oh. Em Gee. That’s cute, sis”.

No. Dumbledore was not suddenly, magically, gay. Too convenient. But If Snape was going down without fair severance, he’d at least damage Albus’s reputation in the process.

With a stank face more repulsive than the latrines in Azkaban, Snape began to put his robe back on. Where was Malfoy?...


End file.
